Just Jump!

I was talking with a woman in the gym the other day. I’ve known her on an acquaintance level for the 9 years I’ve been a member at this particular gym. She’s married. Although I’ve never known her well, I have known that she was very unhappy in her marriage and living with some similar conditions to my own marriage. During our conversation she mentioned that nothing had changed in her marriage after all these years, nor did she expect it to. 

Well, I said, are you going to leave?

Yes, she said, when the time was right, she was going to leave.

Here’s the thing: there is never a “right time” to leave a narcissist/sociopath/psychopath. Any time is going to be pure hell. No matter what kind of escape plan you may have. No matter how old and self-sufficient the children are. No matter how much money you’re making or how much money you’ve saved. No matter how badass your lawyer is. These people play to win. That’s it. They want the win no matter what the cost and they will do whatever they need to do to get it. They do not care who they hurt in the process. They do not care how much lying they have to do. They are concerned about one thing and one thing only: themselves. 

When I was married I used to daydream about what it would be like to be divorced. I had many happy thoughts of what my life would be like if I was no longer married to my spouse. I thought of all the things I could do…and the things I would no longer have to do (like vacuum at 5pm every day before he got home from work)…if I was no longer married to him. It was a liberating feeling. I could use my finger tips to press the buttons on the appliances instead of using my knuckle. My friends could use my kitchen and (God forbid) drip cheese from a pizza in the oven and I would be able to laugh rather than freak out over what my husband would do if he found out. Yes, I lived like that. 

I knew before I even got married that it wasn’t a marriage that was going to stand the test of time. (Why did I marry him? Well, that’s another post entirely) It seemed that at every turn in the relationship I was plotting my exit strategy. And then I had twins and I knew there was going to be a delay and it could be longer than I wanted. Over time, the relationship got worse and as the children grew older with each passing day, I realized the impact it was having on them. More importantly than my own well being, I knew I had to leave for theirs. 

I would consider leaving and I would get anxious. I wasn’t so much worried about going it alone so much as I was that he was going to make my life as much of a living hell as he possibly could if I ever left him. I wasn’t nearly as concerned about being a single mother of 4 young children as I was about the repercussions of leaving my spouse. 

With each passing day, I became more and more disconnected from the marriage and more disconnected from myself. I didn’t feel joy in anything I did. I didn’t feel joy in motherhood. I didn’t feel like I could connect with other people. When you hide so many lies, it is impossible to be authentic and this goes against my very nature. I have a very hard time being anything less than 100% authentic. I knew that these feelings I was having were only going to get worse over time and that I was going to lose any desire I had to live a happy life if I didn’t get out. 

I considered all the options: wait until all the kids are in school, wait until all the kids are out of school, wait until I had a full time job and could support myself and all of the kids (because I knew he would make it as hard as possible for me financially). I came to the realization that no matter how old the kids were or how much money I was making, leaving was going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

I knew I was going to have to just JUMP. I was going to have to have faith in something bigger than myself and trust that I, along with my children, would make it. 

It’s not been easy. It has, in fact, been the hell I predicted it would be…times 100,000. I could not have imagined in my darkest nightmares just how bad it would be. As I look back, 6 years later, I realize that I did the right thing. I just jumped and hoped for the best. It was the best decision I’ve ever made. I am not telling you it’s going to be easy because if you are dealing with a person who has a true personality disorder you are in for a trip to hell and it may very well be your worst nightmare. But what I can tell you for sure is that my worst day without my ex-husband is far better than my best day with him. I have never regretted my decision to leave. Yes, I’ve cried a lot and been pretty pissed off about how hard it’s been for me and my children, but I’ve never once had a regret. The hurt, the fear, the confusion and feeling like it’s really unfair is all completely normal and to be expected. 

Jump. Trust yourself. Trust your family and friends and community to support you through the process (which will likely be very long). Give yourself time and tools to heal. Know that you deserve more than being treated like property to someone who vowed to love and protect you. You deserve to be happy. So just jump dammit! 

Playing Through Pain

I have a bunion on my left foot (thanks, Mom!) and recently it’s started causing me grief again. It started out as an irritating discomfort, then it became more painful and finally, it got really red and blistered. When I woke up this morning, it was pretty bad - swollen, red, purple and my big toe joint was really sore. 

I was getting ready to go to the gym after I got the kiddos off to school and it hurt just walking around in my bedroom. I wondered how I was going to be able to get through my cardio with this pain. I found the blister pads and my bunion sleeve that I wear in my shoes and I put my socks on and found my widest toe box shoes. It was painful but it wasn’t debilitating so I decided that the show must go on. Yeah, it hurts but sometimes you have to do painful things.

As I was lacing up my shoes and thinking about the fact that sometimes we have to do things even when they’re painful I realized the correlation between my little foot injury and life. Over the last several years, I’ve experienced a great deal of pain and struggle in my life. There were days, weeks, months, when I didn’t think I could go on. I was sore from the pain. I was exhausted and weary from the constant struggle. There were many times that I just wanted to stay in bed and hide and wait until the storm was over. But that’s not an option in life.

We have to play through pain. We have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. We have to be strong and persevere through the most painful times, through the darkest nights. I didn’t feel strong enough to keep playing most days. Fortunately, I had the encouragement from others to keep going (even though sometimes their words seemed so cliche I wanted to punch them in the throat). Playing through pain is what strengthens us. If life is always easy, we don’t grow, we don’t develop character. Our pain makes us gentler, kinder and more compassionate. This world needs more of that. 

That pain you’re going through is making you into the person you are meant to be. It is not easy. It is not fun. But there is always a purpose for good for the pain you’re going through. 

When life hurts the most, keep playing.