I learned about the importance, the necessity, of close-knit female friendships early in my adult life. As a 21 year old mother, most of the women I associated with were older and also mothers with children the same age as mine. I learned early on that my friendships with women would be the relationships that would sustain me through life’s ups and downs.
Now that I am 40, I can say with certainty, these are the relationships in my life that I hold in the highest regard. You see, in your 20’s your girlfriends help you navigate the single life, the dating scene, finding your place in this world, your career and maybe as you get closer to 30, motherhood. You do bachelorette parties and weddings, baby showers and first birthday parties together. And those events are just the tip of the iceberg.
Because life is not without trials. Life rarely plays out like a fairy tale or the Cleaver family. No, life is filled with very sick children, infidelity in the marriage, divorce, financial struggles, children with special needs, a husband who lost his job, a teenager who is out of control and failing school, alcohol abuse, addictions of all kinds. Life is a struggle and what I have learned is the people we “do life” with are what make it bearable, what bring joy in the midst of the madness and chaos.
I don’t do the “surfacey” friendships. Sorry, I’d rather not sit on the PTA with you or chat at sports practice about who’s child is doing better in sports and academics. I’m not here to compete with you. No, I like those women that I can bare my soul to and who will love me more because of it. The ones whose hearts break when I’m hurting. The ones who I know are praying for me and they don’t even have to say it. The ones who can just look in my eyes and know if I’m okay or if I’m hurting. I want the friends who really know me. The ones who have seen and smelled my dirty laundry and don’t care and would never tell another soul how bad it smells. Because let me tell you, I have had some stinky laundry in my life.
Friendships like these take a lot of work, they take time and patience and they take a lot of love. It takes accepting each other for who you are and not having unrealistic expectations of one another. In fact, I’ve found, most of the time, having no expectations is the best way to “friend.” To have and be the kind of friend that can just say…”I love you, no matter where you’re at right now, I love you, and I will be here when you need me.” Because, quite frankly, sometimes I want to curl up in my corner (or my friend does) and be alone but i still want to know that if I need you, you’ll be there. Those are my “sister friends.”
Friendships are about give and take. Teeter totter - one goes up and one goes down and back and forth and back and forth. If it doesn’t balance out, it just doesn’t work. In my friendships there are times when I am taking…a lot. And then the tables turn and I am in a better place and my friend needs to be in “take mode.” That’s the way it works. Being offended is the quickest way to destroy a friendship. Friends of “sister” quality need space without offense. Giving each other space ultimately gives us the opportunity to grow closer in our relationships because we learn that we are safe and we learn that our boundaries are respected.
By the time we all hit our 40’s, we’ve lived enough life to know that it’s a lot more than bachelorette parties and baby showers. The marriage may not have made it through the long haul and the baby may have needs and challenges we never, in our wildest dreams, anticipated. And those friendships that have stood the test of time show their value…as we rebuild and reshape our lives.
There is nothing more valuable in my life than my “sister friends.” I couldn’t survive without them. They are critical to my very being. The best thing about them is that no matter what comes my way, no matter what twists and turns my life takes, they are the relationships that I know will never fail me.
It is so important to put the time and the effort into these friendships. There is nothing like the love of a good friend who knows all the parts of you that you are scared to show anyone else. It’s not an overnight relationship and it takes two people who are willing to be real.
A “sister friend” is one of God’s greatest gifts.
