Sister Friends

I learned about the importance, the necessity, of close-knit female friendships early in my adult life. As a 21 year old mother, most of the women I associated with were older and also mothers with children the same age as mine. I learned early on that my friendships with women would be the relationships that would sustain me through life’s ups and downs. 

Now that I am 40, I can say with certainty, these are the relationships in my life that I hold in the highest regard. You see, in your 20’s your girlfriends help you navigate the single life, the dating scene, finding your place in this world, your career and maybe as you get closer to 30, motherhood. You do bachelorette parties and weddings, baby showers and first birthday parties together. And those events are just the tip of the iceberg. 

Because life is not without trials. Life rarely plays out like a fairy tale or the Cleaver family. No, life is filled with very sick children, infidelity in the marriage, divorce, financial struggles, children with special needs, a husband who lost his job, a teenager who is out of control and failing school, alcohol abuse, addictions of all kinds. Life is a struggle and what I have learned is the people we “do life” with are what make it bearable, what bring joy in the midst of the madness and chaos. 

I don’t do the “surfacey” friendships. Sorry, I’d rather not sit on the PTA with you or chat at sports practice about who’s child is doing better in sports and academics. I’m not here to compete with you. No, I like those women that I can bare my soul to and who will love me more because of it. The ones whose hearts break when I’m hurting. The ones who I know are praying for me and they don’t even have to say it. The ones who can just look in my eyes and know if I’m okay or if I’m hurting. I want the friends who really know me. The ones who have seen and smelled my dirty laundry and don’t care and would never tell another soul how bad it smells. Because let me tell you, I have had some stinky laundry in my life. 

Friendships like these take a lot of work, they take time and patience and they take a lot of love. It takes accepting each other for who you are and not having unrealistic expectations of one another. In fact, I’ve found, most of the time, having no expectations is the best way to “friend.” To have and be the kind of friend that can just say…”I love you, no matter where you’re at right now, I love you, and I will be here when you need me.” Because, quite frankly, sometimes I want to curl up in my corner (or my friend does) and be alone but i still want to know that if I need you, you’ll be there. Those are my “sister friends.” 

Friendships are about give and take. Teeter totter - one goes up and one goes down and back and forth and back and forth. If it doesn’t balance out, it just doesn’t work. In my friendships there are times when I am taking…a lot. And then the tables turn and I am in a better place and my friend needs to be in “take mode.” That’s the way it works. Being offended is the quickest way to destroy a friendship. Friends of “sister” quality need space without offense. Giving each other space ultimately gives us the opportunity to grow closer in our relationships because we learn that we are safe and we learn that our boundaries are respected.

By the time we all hit our 40’s, we’ve lived enough life to know that it’s a lot more than bachelorette parties and baby showers. The marriage may not have made it through the long haul and the baby may have needs and challenges we never, in our wildest dreams, anticipated. And those friendships that have stood the test of time show their value…as we rebuild and reshape our lives. 

There is nothing more valuable in my life than my “sister friends.” I couldn’t survive without them. They are critical to my very being. The best thing about them is that no matter what comes my way, no matter what twists and turns my life takes, they are the relationships that I know will never fail me.

It is so important to put the time and the effort into these friendships. There is nothing like the love of a good friend who knows all the parts of you that you are scared to show anyone else. It’s not an overnight relationship and it takes two people who are willing to be real. 

A “sister friend” is one of God’s greatest gifts. 

Just Jump!

I was talking with a woman in the gym the other day. I’ve known her on an acquaintance level for the 9 years I’ve been a member at this particular gym. She’s married. Although I’ve never known her well, I have known that she was very unhappy in her marriage and living with some similar conditions to my own marriage. During our conversation she mentioned that nothing had changed in her marriage after all these years, nor did she expect it to. 

Well, I said, are you going to leave?

Yes, she said, when the time was right, she was going to leave.

Here’s the thing: there is never a “right time” to leave a narcissist/sociopath/psychopath. Any time is going to be pure hell. No matter what kind of escape plan you may have. No matter how old and self-sufficient the children are. No matter how much money you’re making or how much money you’ve saved. No matter how badass your lawyer is. These people play to win. That’s it. They want the win no matter what the cost and they will do whatever they need to do to get it. They do not care who they hurt in the process. They do not care how much lying they have to do. They are concerned about one thing and one thing only: themselves. 

When I was married I used to daydream about what it would be like to be divorced. I had many happy thoughts of what my life would be like if I was no longer married to my spouse. I thought of all the things I could do…and the things I would no longer have to do (like vacuum at 5pm every day before he got home from work)…if I was no longer married to him. It was a liberating feeling. I could use my finger tips to press the buttons on the appliances instead of using my knuckle. My friends could use my kitchen and (God forbid) drip cheese from a pizza in the oven and I would be able to laugh rather than freak out over what my husband would do if he found out. Yes, I lived like that. 

I knew before I even got married that it wasn’t a marriage that was going to stand the test of time. (Why did I marry him? Well, that’s another post entirely) It seemed that at every turn in the relationship I was plotting my exit strategy. And then I had twins and I knew there was going to be a delay and it could be longer than I wanted. Over time, the relationship got worse and as the children grew older with each passing day, I realized the impact it was having on them. More importantly than my own well being, I knew I had to leave for theirs. 

I would consider leaving and I would get anxious. I wasn’t so much worried about going it alone so much as I was that he was going to make my life as much of a living hell as he possibly could if I ever left him. I wasn’t nearly as concerned about being a single mother of 4 young children as I was about the repercussions of leaving my spouse. 

With each passing day, I became more and more disconnected from the marriage and more disconnected from myself. I didn’t feel joy in anything I did. I didn’t feel joy in motherhood. I didn’t feel like I could connect with other people. When you hide so many lies, it is impossible to be authentic and this goes against my very nature. I have a very hard time being anything less than 100% authentic. I knew that these feelings I was having were only going to get worse over time and that I was going to lose any desire I had to live a happy life if I didn’t get out. 

I considered all the options: wait until all the kids are in school, wait until all the kids are out of school, wait until I had a full time job and could support myself and all of the kids (because I knew he would make it as hard as possible for me financially). I came to the realization that no matter how old the kids were or how much money I was making, leaving was going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

I knew I was going to have to just JUMP. I was going to have to have faith in something bigger than myself and trust that I, along with my children, would make it. 

It’s not been easy. It has, in fact, been the hell I predicted it would be…times 100,000. I could not have imagined in my darkest nightmares just how bad it would be. As I look back, 6 years later, I realize that I did the right thing. I just jumped and hoped for the best. It was the best decision I’ve ever made. I am not telling you it’s going to be easy because if you are dealing with a person who has a true personality disorder you are in for a trip to hell and it may very well be your worst nightmare. But what I can tell you for sure is that my worst day without my ex-husband is far better than my best day with him. I have never regretted my decision to leave. Yes, I’ve cried a lot and been pretty pissed off about how hard it’s been for me and my children, but I’ve never once had a regret. The hurt, the fear, the confusion and feeling like it’s really unfair is all completely normal and to be expected. 

Jump. Trust yourself. Trust your family and friends and community to support you through the process (which will likely be very long). Give yourself time and tools to heal. Know that you deserve more than being treated like property to someone who vowed to love and protect you. You deserve to be happy. So just jump dammit! 

Playing Through Pain

I have a bunion on my left foot (thanks, Mom!) and recently it’s started causing me grief again. It started out as an irritating discomfort, then it became more painful and finally, it got really red and blistered. When I woke up this morning, it was pretty bad - swollen, red, purple and my big toe joint was really sore. 

I was getting ready to go to the gym after I got the kiddos off to school and it hurt just walking around in my bedroom. I wondered how I was going to be able to get through my cardio with this pain. I found the blister pads and my bunion sleeve that I wear in my shoes and I put my socks on and found my widest toe box shoes. It was painful but it wasn’t debilitating so I decided that the show must go on. Yeah, it hurts but sometimes you have to do painful things.

As I was lacing up my shoes and thinking about the fact that sometimes we have to do things even when they’re painful I realized the correlation between my little foot injury and life. Over the last several years, I’ve experienced a great deal of pain and struggle in my life. There were days, weeks, months, when I didn’t think I could go on. I was sore from the pain. I was exhausted and weary from the constant struggle. There were many times that I just wanted to stay in bed and hide and wait until the storm was over. But that’s not an option in life.

We have to play through pain. We have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. We have to be strong and persevere through the most painful times, through the darkest nights. I didn’t feel strong enough to keep playing most days. Fortunately, I had the encouragement from others to keep going (even though sometimes their words seemed so cliche I wanted to punch them in the throat). Playing through pain is what strengthens us. If life is always easy, we don’t grow, we don’t develop character. Our pain makes us gentler, kinder and more compassionate. This world needs more of that. 

That pain you’re going through is making you into the person you are meant to be. It is not easy. It is not fun. But there is always a purpose for good for the pain you’re going through. 

When life hurts the most, keep playing. 

Diving In!

On Easter Sunday I was baptized at Gold Creek Church in Mill Creek, WA. I had been baptized required of me. I never really knew that one could have a relationship with God...an intimate, personal relationship.

Lutheran as an infant, confirmed in the Lutheran church as a teenager and even went to a Lutheran college in Minnesota. But I never chose church myself. I went and participated because it was

Last year when I hit rock bottom and was severely depressed, having multiple panic attacks each day, I sort of "stumbled upon" God again. In a bookstore. With a Joyce Meyer book. I had no idea she was a Christian author but her new book had just been released that day, You Can Begin Again, and that sounded like a real fine idea to me.

I devoured that book. I went back later that week to buy another one. I could not get enough. Before the week was out I had half a dozen books, downloaded podcasts from Joyce, Joel Osteen, Henry Cloud and had the Bible app installed on all my devices. I was hungry for the Word. Within a few weeks, I was starting to have hope again. Hope that my situation would change and that things would improve and I could move forward with my life. Nothing had changed in my situation, but I was no longer alone...in fact, I never was. But now I had gotten into such a close relationship with God that I felt a power and a strength that I had never in my life experienced before.

I was fortunate to be led to Gold Creek by several different people in my life. It took me awhile to decide that church was a decent place to be. I mean, all my life, I had watched these "so called Christians" do not very Christ-like things and if that was what being a Christian was all about then by all means, count me out!! I gave Gold Creek a chance. I found that the founding pastor, Dan Kellogg, delivered the Word in such a way that it really resonated with me and spoke life into my life. It felt like "home" very quickly. I felt welcome, not judged and just accepted...the single mom with her 3 crazy kiddos. And...they have espresso! Sold!

I jumped right in and started volunteering. I have since taken on the church's social media and Pastor Dan's social media as well for his blog and upcoming endeavors. It was the perfect position and community for me. I decided that I wanted to make my own decision to be baptized and give my life to Christ through baptism. I've just turned 40 and this is a very significant time in my life with things really changing and moving forward and I can feel with every fiber of my being that God wants to use me and my story to help others and to lead others to Him.

I took the plunge! I'm diving in. I'm ready for whatever God wants to use me for. I am truly excited for the journey and for the Light Always Wins ministry to take off!

1 John 1:5
The LIGHT shines in the darkness and the darkness cannot overcome it.

Exercise to Beat Depression

Did you know that one of the best ways to fight depression is with exercise? It’s true.

I have spent the last 13 years of my life in a domestic violence environment, recovering from dv and helping to protect my children from dv. This has not been an easy road and I can assure you that depression has played a very large role in my life over. Fortunately, because of my active lifestyle and the fact that I exercise in some way, shape or form, daily has helped minimize the negative effects that depression can have on people. 

What I have experienced in my journey is that often times, exercising is the last thing I feel like doing when I’m really struggling with depression. I want to crawl under the covers and come out when I feel better again. But, as a single mother of 4, that’s definitely NOT an option for me. And I know that by exercising especially when I don’t feel like it, I will actually improve my mind set and feel more hopeful, optimistic and upbeat. 

Exercise releases “feel good” hormones in our bodies. Exercise releases endorphins (you may have heard of the “runner’s high”) and seratonin, both of which help boost our moods. You will likely notice that during and after you exercise you have a generally more positive outlook on life. Use this feeling as a reminder when you’re feeling down and out to get moving even when you don’t feel like it.

Because exercise provides stress and anxiety relief, I recommend doing it daily. If you are taking prescription medications for depression, anxiety or PTSD, exercise will really enhance the effectiveness of these drugs and help your healing process. Daily exercise does not have to be anything super intense or crazy. Simply getting some kind of movement activity for 20-30 minutes each day will likely provides the benefits you need.

Look for exercises that you will enjoy doing. For me, personally, exercising outside and getting away from the busy city life and into nature is very helpful and healing for me. It rejuvenates my soul. It’s very therapeutic. Whatever it is that you like - swimming, cycling, group classes - do that. Do not force yourself to do something you don’t enjoy. And please, do not make this about weight loss. Your mental health is far more important than you weight during this time. Put your attention into healing yourself on the inside and I guarantee the outside will follow suit.

If you are not in treatment and feel that you may be clinically depressed, please contact your PCP (primary care provider) to find out about therapy and medication options. I was one of those people who was not interested in prescription medication to treat my depression/PTSD/anxiety/panic attacks (yep, I had ALL of that!) but they have made such a difference in turning my life around and getting myself healthy. Please, do not hesitate to seek help.

5 Ways to Rally Yourself Out of a Funk

IIt happens to all of us from time to time. I don't care how much you have it together in your life, there are always storms that weren't in the forecast that can put us in a funk. Over the years I've become increasingly better at working through my funks and getting back to an emotionally good place pretty quickly. There are the most important things I do that allow me to rally out of a funk. 

Quit yo stinkin thinkin!!!

The worst thing we can do is think negative thoughts, allow ourselves to be discouraged and lose hope. The best way to do this is to immerse your brain in positivity. I personally turn to the Word of God but if you are not a believer, I suggest music that's positive, books that teach positive thinking or encouraging videos and blogs easily found on social media. Once I get my thinking right, everything starts looking better. Don't let yourself drown in negativity. 

Gather your circle.

The biggest blessing in my life is my circle. I am surrounded by people who have loved me through thick and thin. They know me and they are never too busy to shower me with love and support when I'm down and out. And the best thing they do for me is to remind me of WHO I AM. When I'm in a funk, I immediately start texting my circle and gather them up for coffee dates, workouts or wine time. Nothing makes my heart happier than being surrounded by my loved ones. 

Pamper yourself. 

This means different things to everybody but for me it usually means a new book, a really good cup of coffee and a comfy chair. It might be a hair cut or new accessories or a new piece of clothing from Nobella Grace. I usually love to get a pedicure in one of those massage chairs too. You know what indulgences you love...do them!! 

Move. 

When I'm in a funk, under the covers and in the corner sounds like a really good place to be. But it's NOT!!!!!! It's the worst place we can be. Move. Even if you don't feel like it. Get outside in the sunshine and fresh air. Grab a friend and go for a walk or a hike. Drag your butt to the gym for a workout. It may not be the best workout of your life but just the act of getting out and doing will help bring your spirits up!

Make fun plans!

Call up your girlfriends and plan a girls night out or a weekend getaway if you can swing it. Having something to look forward to will really help pull you up out of your funk. It obviously doesn't have to be with your girlfriends...your partner, your kids, yourself...you know what works for you. But having something fun on the calendar always puts us in a better mental place. 

Mostly, just keep reminding yourself that storms always end and this won't last forever. You're going THROUGH and this is the good thing: you're moving, you're not stuck. Keep going, you got this!!

The enemy doesn't stand a chance

When you DECIDE you're done, when you decide to leave, when you decide that, no matter what it takes, you will survive...you are NO match for the devil. You must persevere and persist and you must know that you not only deserve to survive but to THRIVE!